The Ramblings and Wanderings

Posts Tagged ‘funnies’

I am 29 years old, well travelled, well worn, know what the meaning of hard work is etc etc but I am also not in my Mother phase. I still like to stay up late and dance, play loud music, be silly and giggle and such.

I am not a kid, I find it very difficult to socalize with students and other girls in their twenties and Maiden phase because they are still very much “kids” the biggest concern being getting drunk or borrowing money from daddy to pay the rent or something … And I’m too mature for them and feel like a stick in the mud or like some kind of older sister playing babysitter.

But most of the women in my age group who aren’t still girls are Mommies. I find it just as difficult to socalize with them, first off they tend to act like there’s something wrong with me for not being married with no kids, and they aslo seem to have nothing going on but being Mommy. I have nothing to contribute to conversations about losing the baby fat or potty training. Also I am too immature for them! Too loud, to rebellious, too bold and daring, too silly.

I belong no-where. I’m stuck in the middle with no (in real life, not online) friends.

It sucks!

Poor me.

It seems my rather controversial article  “Where Have All the Gardners and Crowleys Gone? (An Answer)”  has made the Top 20 Essays of 2009 on Witchvox! Which is pretty cool, I think they go by number of reads to decide.

I had opened my email box and wondered why I was getting mail about that one again. Good gods, just as the crap from its original posting had blown over … here we go again!

Maybe I should rewrite it for better clarity? (and maybe fix that one typo that drives me up the wall)  Since so many people seemed to choose to take it the wrong way last time, or missed the point entirely …

Nah, fuck them.

http://www.witchvox.com/

Where exactly do other women learn about things such as decorative pillow shams, vs useable pillow cases?

Or the difference between dishes that are just pretty and are not placed in a dishwasher or microwaves vs practical dishes?

Where do women learn about clothes that match and how to judge other women for having socks that don’t match?

Is there a class my mother failed to take me to where we are supposed to learn how to tell if something is an antique or if it will clash with the drapes?

I am tired of feeling like a failure as a woman (and often being treated as such) because these things go right over my head. Is there a crash course I can take to catch up?

Some kind of tomboy recovery center where I can learn all about carpets and stain removal …

I read blogs like Mrs. B’s and feel like a big fat loser. Am I alone in this?

Am I the only woman who practcies domestic magick fixing the toilet or replacing the radiator hose in the car and not making perfect little curtains for the kitchen?

I have never posted a recipe! Why you may ask?

Well, I’m not the kind of girl who buys fancy kinds of mushrooms or puts mango sauce on my chicken, if you know what I mean.

So for the witch on a limited … everything … here’s dinner:

Purchase one tiny BBQ grill on clearance at the end of the season for under $15.

Purchase small bags of BBQ briquettes from the local small mountain town discount store, seems the local manufacturer is clearing stock.

Get a BBQ pan 3 for a dollar at the Safety Mart (small town grocery store)

Buy a cool looking knobby yam, extra virgin olive oil and basil at the Safety Mart.

Get a nice big grilling steak from local butcher and cut it in half to serve two.

Realize when you get home you don’t have any fire-starter.

To get coals going, build tiny kindling fire in the bottom of newly assembled BBQ grill. Then pile charcoal over the flames. This is best done on one side of the grill, confined fires burn hotter and all.

Once coals are cheerfully glowing through sheer force of will and patience, spread them evenly and attempt to slide grill into slot over them. It seems my grill will only slide into place if the coals are one deep and lay just so.

Head over to the little orchard in the front yard and find a nice stick of apple wood, then using the stick poke and prod grill into place.

Truck on into the kitchen to peel yam and cut it into rough fry shapes. Give yam peel to silly dogs who think they are starving. (If you don’t have dogs, give the peels to the compost heap or your pig)

Assemble yam fries into BBQ pan and sprinkle liberally with olive oil and basil.

Briefly consider making a steak rub from scratch, then go with the bottled steak spice because you are lazy.

Place the pan on one side of the grill and the seasoned steaks on the other.

Stir around the yam fries so they don’t burn or stick to pan and flip the steaks a couple of times.

When your patience wears thin, cut the thickest part of the thickest steak to check it.

Wait a little more.

Then serve with fresh sliced tomatoes and cucumber along with locally brewed apple cider over ice.

For dessert, use your stick to roast marshmallows over the last of the coals.

… or everyone doesn’t have to be nice, or serious, all the time … especially me!

In fact I am almost never 100% serious, even when ranting. But you can take me any way you like, its all good in my world(s)

Satire:
* A literary work holding up human vices and follies to ridicule or scorn
* Trenchant wit, irony, or sarcasm used to expose and discredit vice or folly
* A message whose ingenuity or verbal skill or incongruity has the power to evoke laughter

Sarcasm:
* A sharp and often satirical or ironic utterance designed to cut or give pain
* A mode of satirical wit depending for its effect on bitter, caustic, and often ironic language that is usually directed against an individual b : the use or language of sarcasm

Trickster:
* One that swindles or plays tricks.
* A mischievous or roguish figure in myth or folklore, often an animal, who typically makes up for physical weakness with cunning and subversive humor.
* A mischievous being found in the folklore of many primitive people; sometimes distinguished by prodigious biological drives and exaggerated bodily parts.
* One who tricks or deceives the hero of a story into taking action or gaining knowledge, insight or wisdom through unconventional means.

Capricious:
* Changeable; “a capricious summer breeze”; “freakish weather”
* Determined by chance or impulse or whim rather than by necessity or reason; “a capricious refusal”; “authoritarian rulers are frequently capricious”; “the victim of whimsical persecutions”

God Is a DJ
(By Pink)

I’ve been the girl with her skirt pulled high
Been the outcast never running with mascara eyes
Now I see the world as a candy store
With a cigarette smile, saying things you can’t ignore
Like mummy I love you
Daddy I hate you
Brother I need you
Lover hey, “Fuck you”
I can see everything here with my third eye
Like the blue in the sky

If God is a DJ
Life is a dance floor
Love is the rhythm
You are the music
If God is a DJ
Life is a dance floor
You get what you’re given
It’s all how you use it…

I’ve been the girl with her middle finger in the air
Unaffected by rumors, the truth: I don’t care
So open your mouth and stick out your tongue
You might as well let go you can’t take back what you’ve done
So find a new lifestyle
A reason to smile
Look for Nirvana
Under the strobe lights
Sequins and sex dreams
You whisper to me
There’s no reason to cry…

You take what you get and you get what you give
I say don’t run from yourself, man, that’s no way to live
I’ve got a record in my bag you should give it a spin
Lift your hands in the air so that life can begin

If God is a DJ
Life is a dance floor
Love is the rhythm
You are the music
If God is a DJ
Life is a dance floor
You get what you’re given
It’s all how you use it…

If God is a DJ…If God… say If God is a DJ, Then life is a dance floor so
Get your ass on the dance floor now

“If you make people think they’re thinking,
they’ll love you;
but if you really make them think,
they’ll hate you.”
~ Don Marquis

Walking the Hedge, breaking eggs to make omelets since 2005… hehehe

But all silliness aside for a moment, I do not expect everyone to “get” me (in fact I am often misunderstood and just let it stand as is), or to agree with me, or to care, or … well, anything really. It’s just a blog after all and you can’t please everyone    besides which all publicity is good publicity and all that

*hugs*