The Ramblings and Wanderings

Posts Tagged ‘funnies’

This last Friday myself and Lady N were in charge of leading the Lughnasadh ritual for our Hedge Group. Lady N is newer to the Path (and thus doesn’t have mountains of ritual tools) and I am a terrible pack rat, who also just happened to be in possession of the Hedge’s Ritual Toolbox (or box o’ ritual tools and candles and stuff). Therefore, I found myself spending much of the afternoon beforehand going through the Ritual Toolbox, my own collections of items, making a list and checking it twice.

One item was nearly forgotten. This is the red (probably real, but may not be) velvet altar cloth I’ve had in storage for ages. Having been going through a phase these last couple of years I like to call my “The dirt is a great place for setting up my altar and to practice my rituals on because I am a hardcore Hedgewitch phase” my red (probably real, but may not be) velvet altar cloth has been sitting forlornly in storage for some time. I did remember it right before I left on Friday; as I figured this would be a good contribution to the groups’ Ritual Toolbox. I also felt kind of bad for neglecting the poor thing. So on my way out the door I pulled it, still folded, out of its place of storage and stuck it in the Ritual Toolbox.

After promising Brendan various sexual favours if he helped me get everything to the park without breaking, we arrived well before everyone else at the appointed place. I had planned to be there a good hour before the other members so that I could have everything set up and be all grounded and ready for their arrival. I talked Bren into hauling a large stone into the South to act as a hearthstone for my thurnble (thingy you burn stuff in) and then I decided the best thing to do was pull out the altar cloth and lay everything out on it so I could decide what will go where. This was also necessary as the Ritual Toolbox doubles as a Portable Altar, so you have to have everything carefully removed from the Ritual Toolbox and the lid closed before you can set up the Portable Altar.

So, I gently pried open the wicker top of the Ritual Toolbox that doubles as a Portable Altar and unfurled the red (probably real, but may not be) velvet altar cloth. Which was to my horror, covered in DOG HAIR and LINT!!! Oh, the humanity! This is no doubt due to having spent the last couple of years in storage at my mother’s house where she fosters rescue dogs. I can only blame ADD for the reason why it did not occur to me that a red (probably real, but may not be) velvet altar cloth that had been stored in such a way might be covered in lint and dog hair.

All the contents of my purse and bag were then unceremoniously dumped on to the grass as I flailed about hoping beyond hope that I might just maybe have a lint brush or even some duct tape amongst my belongings. But alas, I did not. I tried rubbing the cloth vigorously to remove the offending grey lint and dog hair but to no avail. I shook it out repeatedly as Bren watched on unsympathetic to my plight.

Alas, nothing was going to remove the copious amounts of lint and dog fur covering the red (probably real, but may not be) velvet altar cloth. Especially the lint, which mocked me most cruelly, it said “Ha ha! Fancy yourself capable of handling a Priestess’s duties do you? You fool! Everyone will see how incompetent you really are now!”

I could have simply not used the altar cloth at this point; I could have given it to Brendan to take home with him. But I refused to be defeated by lint and certainly not to sarcastic, mocking lint! “There’s no use for it” I said to Brendan, “I will have to arrange the tools in such a way as to cover the worst of the lint.”

Brendan is a wise man and kept his mouth shut, though he did raise an eyebrow.

So I cleverly placed the lint covered red (probably real, but may not be) velvet altar cloth upon the Ritual Toolbox that doubles as a Portable Altar in such a way that the least-linty area was positioned on the very top. Then I curled the ends under and tucked them against the Portable Altar to hide them.

After strategically arranging the ritual tools upon the lint covered red (probably real, but may not be) velvet altar cloth I then sprinkled dried herbs and flowers all over the damned thing to fill in the space and hide the offending lint. Luckily, the ritual called for large quantities of dried herbs, leaves and flowers and had I brought extra. Taller ritual tools were placed on the ground around the Portable Altar and leaning against it, which also helped to hide the evil lint of death.

With an amused Bren looking on I waved my fist at the Sun, demanding that it sink quickly so as to help hide the evil lint of death from sight.

Just then, I heard voices! The other members of the Hedge were arriving. Would they notice? Would they laugh at me? Mock my ability as a Priestess? Would they ban me forever from the group for daring to bring a lint covered red (probably real, but may not be) velvet altar cloth to ritual?

No!

My cunning ass-covering worked like a charm. Instead the ladies gathered around and actually admired the beauteous creation that was my altar set up. They said things like “You have raised the bar for all of us with this” and they weren’t making snide, sarcastic fun of me either. They meant it!

One of them was so impressed with how lovely and elegant my altar was she took pictures. If you would like to see these pictures you will have to go to the As Within Blog, make nice comments on said blog, and ask Lis politely to make a blog post with the pictures. If you do just enough ass-kissing maybe she might be swayed to do so.

Of course, the lint covered red (probably real, but may not be) velvet altar cloth wound up back in the Ritual Toolbox that doubles as a Portable Altar, which was then handed over to the next person to Priestess a ritual. I really should have snagged the lint covered red (probably real, but may not be) velvet altar cloth and took it home so no one would be the wiser. I can just see her getting home, planning the ritual, opening up the Ritual Toolbox that doubles as a Portable Altar and saying to herself “Why the fuck is this thing covered in lint and dog hair?!”

Forever hiding the flop sweat,

Juniper

It’s Still Pagan

*

To the tune of “Its still Rock  n’ Roll” By Billy Joel

*

What’s the matter with the robes I’m wearing?

“Can’t you tell that your cord’s too wide?”

Maybe I should buy a hooded cloak

Like back in the burning times

Where have you been in the broom closet honey?

“You can’t dress witchy ’till you spend a lot of money”

*

Everybody’s talking about the new Path

Funny, but its still NeoPagan to me

*

What’s the matter with the broom I’m riding?

“Can’t you tell that it’s out of style?”

Should I get a store bought besom?

“Are ready for us to laugh and smile?

Nowadays, you can’t be too traditional

Your best bet’s besom made exactly the way we tell ya”

*

Dark Goth, Light Fluff – even if it’s old junk

It’s still NeoPagan to me

*

Oh, it doesn’t matter what they say in the Circle

‘Cause it’s always been the same old scene

There’s a new Grove in town, but you can’t get the word

From a story in a magazine

Aimed at your average teen

*

How about a pair of pentacle tattoos

And a dress from the renaissance?

“Well, you could really be Selena Fox, baby

If you would just paint it all black

Don’t waste your money on a shiny new cauldron

You get more mileage from a cheap-o pot”

*

New Age, Faery, Wicca craze

Anyways, it’s still NeoPagan to me

*

What’s the matter with Coven I’m joining?

“Can’t you tell that they’re out of touch?”

Should I try to be a solitary Pagan?

“If you are, then you think too much

Don’t you know about the new Wicca, honey?

All you need are books and a whole lotta money”

*

It’s the next thing, Heathen, Druid, Celtic

Anyways, it’s still NeoPagan to me

Everybody’s talking about the new Path

Funny, but its still NeoPagan to me

*

By Juniper 2006

Last night I dreamed that I was on a long, multi-day, chartered bus trip with many of my co-religionists. The hired bus driver was a quiet and professional Muslim.

My fellow bus mates became very upset that the bus driver did not want to make friends and socialize with them. They were angry that he refused to listen to the usual “Pagans are not Satan worshippers, we are good people” spiel.

It go the point that most of them had all piled up at the front of the bus demanding to know why the bus driver wouldn’t accept the fact that Wiccans and Pagans are good people too! “Why didn’t he join us for meals and talk to us?”

The driver kept repeating that he was just a bus driver and it wasn’t his job.

The Pagans grew more and more insistent and upset. Sad and angry the bus driver did not want to be friends or hear about how they are good people. “Why won’t you validate us?’ they cried. “You monotheists are all the same! Judgmental!”

The driver was getting so distracted that the bus began to swerve on the hiway. I climbed my way into the aisle of the bus and hollered at everyone for their attention.

I said:

“Guys, he is just the bus driver. He is a professional. It’s his job to get us home not make friends or learn about the Lord and Lady. He doesn’t give a shit what you believe.”

They all turned and looked at me, pouting. I waved my fist in the air and shouted; “Everyone doesn’t need to accept you! Now quit distracting the driver before you get us all killed! Stupid assholes! Sit down and shut up!”

I always thought that crochet was invented by an ADD woman, being one myself.

Once upon a time, long ago, probably in France, a woman with undiagnosed Attention Deficit Disorder was puttering around her cottage. Doing much but getting nothing done, of course.

In fact she was very busily working hard at trying to find the key to her chest full of yarn (and other odds and ends that had found their way into the chest). She tore the whole cottage apart and simply couldn’t find it anywhere. She did, however, find one of her long lost knitting needles in the process. Distracted by the find, she looked about for the other kitting needle. Alas she couldn’t find that either. (For the record, the key to the chest had wandered off to the barn and the other knitting needle was out in the garden having spent part of the summer holding up a young bean stalk.)

Suddenly remembering what she had been doing a few minutes before, our heroine return to her chest. Using whatever she happened to have in her hand, the single knitting needle, she was able to pry open the chest. Happily she dug through the disorganized tangle of yarn within. Unhappily, it seemed as though all her other knitting needles had also vanished (who know where they wound up) and the last remaining one was now bent at one end.

Thinking she ought to run to the market to buy more needles before winter came, and perhaps a few other items as well, she threw on her cloak and walked out the door. Into a snow storm! Oh no, winter had started and she hadn’t gotten around to knitting warm woolly socks for her family yet!

Somewhat panicked, our heroine went back inside her home and paced about. Her husband and sons would return from the fields soon and be very cold, when they found that she still hadn’t made them socks to keep their feet warm she would be berated and hollered at for certain.

So she took up her single, bent, needle and started to desperately mess around with her wool. After much cursing and swearing, and putting that creative, think-outside-the-box, mind to work she invented the art of crochet!

The End

I write in my recipe book in a very short hand kind of way. One that assumes you already have some skill and would know what I’m talking about. I pity my some-day daughter-in-law trying to decipher it. Something like this white sauce recipe is pretty straight forward, following the recipe for a whole turkey dinner … not so much!

Butter 2 to 4 tbs melt low

Onions etc

Flour (whole wheat) 2 to 5 tbs more for thicker

Stir lots 10 minutes

Milk

Spices and herbs

Pour on something

Serve while still hot

Wear socks that don’t match

Especially on Tuesday and Friday

And always with shorts

Wear a wrinkled pink blouse

With a bright red skirt

Red and pink are in the same family

Aren’t they?

*

Don’t get subtle hints

Be confused by mixed messages

And laugh at inappropriate jokes

Always say what you mean

And mean what you say

Because no one else does it that way

*

Take everyone at face value

Be open and honest

In everything you do

Having no hidden meaning behind your words

No hidden agenda behind your actions

Is sure to frighten and confuse

*

Be loud and boisterous in public

Quiet and reserved at home

Have moods that are affected by the weather

Remember to be daring and bold

Always act as if you’ll never grow old

*

Wave with both hands

Bounce into rooms

Offer everyone a hug

And feel bad when they refuse

Dance when you are happy

And wilt when you are sad

*

When there is a job to do

Be the first to volunteer

Once people start to gossip

That you’re trying to take charge

Don’t volunteer the next time

And they will complain about that too

*

Be friendly to everyone

Regardless of this or that

Refuse to take sides in disputes

At least, most of the time

See both sides of a debate

Try to get other people to do that too

It helps if you’re cute

*

Be more comfortable around pets than kids

Wear pyjamas all day

Don’t go to bed until 2

Read lots of books

Watch too much Star Trek

Be sure to listen to Punk Rock too

*

Walk widdershins in a Wiccan Circle

Forget which way is East

Write whole Invocations

And don’t remember a word of them

When asked to bring a broom

Show up with a robotic vacuum

*

Speak your mind all the time

And as for peer pressure

Never give in

No matter they may say

Or how they treat you

Always love yourself first

And promise you’ll never change you!