Not Really a Maiden, Not Yet a Mother
I am 29 years old, well travelled, well worn, know what the meaning of hard work is etc etc but I am also not in my Mother phase. I still like to stay up late and dance, play loud music, be silly and giggle and such.
I am not a kid, I find it very difficult to socalize with students and other girls in their twenties and Maiden phase because they are still very much “kids” the biggest concern being getting drunk or borrowing money from daddy to pay the rent or something … And I’m too mature for them and feel like a stick in the mud or like some kind of older sister playing babysitter.
But most of the women in my age group who aren’t still girls are Mommies. I find it just as difficult to socalize with them, first off they tend to act like there’s something wrong with me for not being married with no kids, and they aslo seem to have nothing going on but being Mommy. I have nothing to contribute to conversations about losing the baby fat or potty training. Also I am too immature for them! Too loud, to rebellious, too bold and daring, too silly.
I belong no-where. I’m stuck in the middle with no (in real life, not online) friends.
It sucks!
Poor me.
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mayhap you are in your wild woman/warrior stage, which can happned before mother. ??
i can remember being in a similar place to where you are now, i am 39, and discovering the Mother phase, although i have not actually had or having any babies. it also took me a while to find my tribe.. but i have found them now, and they do not judge me as being to immature for being noisey, or rebellious or bold,daring, silly, wonderful, powerful, adventuress, and amazing as they are similar in many ways, but they also accept me for who i am.. *beams*
so wild warrior woman, it could be time to go hunting for you tribe.
*smiles*
Juni – I’m 41 years old and have never had, nor have I ever wanted, children. For most of my adult life, I’ve never really fit in with most women my age, and it wasn’t just because of the kid issue either…my interests are usually very different from most of the women I meet. There was a time during my late 20′s and early 30′s when I felt stuck between two separate worlds and didn’t quite belong anywhere, but over the years I’ve learned to create a place of my very own. I have a few close friends…my best friend and I share a 27-year history and we talk about everything, not just her (now grown) kids. Anyway, just remember that there are a lot of women out there who understand what you’re feeling. I enjoy my freedom and don’t worry about what other people have to say about my decision not to have kids…it’s none of their business anyway. Oh yea, and I may be 41, but I still feel and behave like a maiden most of the time…:)
Thanks guys *HUGS*
Wild warrior woman is totally where I am at right now … wonderful thank you!
hi juniper, i want to echoe what the other two shared about this childfree life, i am 33 and in the country far, far away in another country, and i am virtually the only person of my peers who doesn’t ever want to have them, for that and a couple of other reasons i may as well be from another planet, but hhoray for acres and acres of space to be me!
-Pombagira, thanks for giving us some other roads & hope for our futures, and Kimberly, i couln not have said it better!
I have been feeling down about meeting new people out here, Ottawa is a lot more conservative and political than anywhere in BC.
The Pagan community is larger and more established as there’s more people here, and I should be happy there’s more Elders out here and leaders but it seems every event I go to is nothing but grey-hairs in suits or soccer moms in pink sweater-vests if you know what I mean or their teenaged children.
I’ll just keep hanging in there. I’d start a study circle or something to see who might show up but in a town like this, with so many established leader-types, that would be seen as pissing in other people’s territory.
I’m used to small town BC where someone like me has something real to contribute, heck everyone has something to contribute in rural hippy towns! And not in that lame “everyone is special” way either.
Juniper, I’m 41, and I still feel like I don’t fit in anywhere. I think the majority of us feel that way, to be honest. As a mother, I was too young to be taken seriously as such, too loud, too raucous, too interested in getting down in the dirt to play. As a maiden, I was too quiet, too serious to have fun with…
I’m not a crone yet, not by a long shot, but my boys are grown and almost all out of the nest. I’m still loud, still raucous, still love dancing around bonfires and making too much noise…
We are who we are and when we drop the labels, we find our tribe.
I’m thinking I need to hang out at the local hippy store, organic food marts and incense shops hehehe
I’m going to join the growing line-up of women who are neither here, nor there. But then again, I’ve always been this way, so for me this is a comfort zone.
Like Feithline, I was the serious kid. I then became the overly boisterous scary kind of teenager for a year or two, but then quickly settled back down to my quiet, completely silly self. My mother says I act like more of a crone than she does, which I know keeps her up at night (I’m only 31, after all). I don’t want kids, I don’t want companionship in the relationship sense, and I just want to be left alone with my furry friends and jungle of plants.
So what if I don’t fit into a category? Sure, it may be easier sometimes, but what’s the big deal, really? Do you like who you are? I do, mostly, and what I don’t like I’m working on.
Making a big move like you just did has a tendency to bring about some feelings of unbalance, which is as it should be, and a fabulous growing tool to boot. The foundations are shaken. What does it mean? You get to start all over, and rebuild yourself! Go for it, warrior woman, and thrive!
I totally get this. I was in my mid-30s when it hit me that I was definitely no longer a maiden, even though I still felt maiden-ish; but without children, I wasn’t a mother either. I didn’t want to go out every weekend to clubs, but I also was having (and still do) a harder time finding those points of connection with my friends with children; even those with whom I’ve been close for years.
I really started to think about what it was to be a mother without ever having physically birthed a child. Without that initiatory experience, the transition is more… err… liminal or nebulous. My revelation is that we don’t have to birth and nurture physical children to be a ‘mother.’ It’s the act or call of tending (and perhaps birthing) and evolving that defines the motherhood phase.
I love the concept of a wild woman or warrior phase. That seems so fitting for a woman who has chosen not have children. If I look around my childless mother-phase friends, it’s easy to see how all that energy that we would have poured into our children we pour into being a warrior or bringing forth wildness. Maybe it’s not a transition phase, but also aspect of the mother?
You’re definitely not alone in feeling this way. I’m in the same boat you are and I also can’t relate to my friends because they either act too immature for their age or are already married (with children). I’m lucky that I live in NYC where it feels more okay to be single or unmarried. I like Pombagira’s suggestion that we’re in our “warrior” phase – a time of independence, self-reliance, and discovery.
Hi Juniper
Love your blog. Just started having a look around and really like your writing style and attitude to life.
I often feel just like you. I’m 35, married but don’t have any children and have decided just to go with the flow. I do get very broody from time to time, which has only started to happen in the last few years. But still don’t want to start a family just yet. I don’t say never but I don’t feel I have to either. It’s my life, I can do what I want with it. People often ask me when I am going to have children, usually men for some reason!!! Anyway despite not having children, I do feel very motherly. Especially towards my students, and I have nieces and nephews to mother too. I still have fun, I will always love dancing but seem to be enjoying different aspects of my life now.
I can relate, in a slightly different way…. not really mother anymore, but don’t feel like crone either. 38 years old, still feel young, youngest daughter about to graduate High School, oldest daughter just had my first grandchild. But I don’t relate to those in the crone phase, yet I don’t have much in common with mommies with young kids either….