Pagan Values: Aging Parents
I have an ethical question for you all:
Is a person obligated to care for an aging parent who had been abusive and/or neglectful to them, and what if they continue to be at least verbally abusive?
At lunch with my older brother he had made a comment that he was willing to take as much care of Dad as he took care of him as a child, which is next to nothing. Late child support payments, visiting once in a blue moon, cutting him loose for 5 years when he got into trouble as a teen.
It got me thinking, my mother needs help because her hands are crippled with arthritis, the hands that used to pull my hair and hit me and throw things at me. The very woman who used to stand there and do nothing while her hubby beat me or walked about the house naked playing with his cock in a manic depressive haze…
So many in my generation have dead beat dads and mothers who allowed step fathers to abuse us etc. Are we still responsible for their care when they failed to care for us?
And what of step-parents? Many of us now have 3 or 4 parents. If you are a couple that may mean between both of you, you may have as many as 8 elderly parents to care for, to pay for. Must we care for ALL of them, while trying to put our own kids through college and pay our bills etc?
And what about financially irresponsible parents? My folks are poster children for the cause of the economic collapse, never saving up, racking up credit cards, drowning in debt, no money saved up to put us through college etc etc. Now I have to put all my hard earned money and saving into their care? Must I pay off their debts?
Where does respect for our elders and our responsibility for our parents start and end? And at what cost must we care for them?
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11 Responses to Pagan Values: Aging Parents
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If ya wanna live to be an old coot, sometimes you have to know when to take care of yourself. Especially when dealing with someone who has proven unable or unwilling to be responsible in basic human relationships.
That is a very timely question. I had a very sweet. loving mother and a mostly helpful, very THERE father that was at times somewhat abusive (mostly verbal) during a period of our family life. The care of both of them fell mostly to me but with a great deal of help from my two older sisters. My married brother w/children did nothing whatsoever. (came long enough for the funerals) We gave both of our parents very high quality care. They shared the same doctor who said that he wished all of his patients had the care we gave our parents. Something was missing from the care we gave to our father though- the LOVE that we showered onto our mother. I guess the saying, “What goes around-comes around.” is true.
There might be the temptation to return the care you did or didn’t get from your parents. If that is the case, they might be better off with others to care for them. Turn inward for your best answer to your question.
Blessed Be
My response is posted to my web site, here -
http://northwestpass.livejournal.com/89864.html
I feel that this heartfelt, thoughtful article is both relevant and useful and I’ve posted link to it at the online Spiral Steps Support Group:
http://health.groups.yahoo.com/group/spiral-steps/
Thank you for offering these thoughts to the earthwise community. As you note, a lot of our people are dealing with this.
Go well, stay well,
Dj
Founder, Spiral Steps
Substitute the term “ex-spouse” for “parent” in the post. Does that make a difference? And, of course, for good or ill, one chooses one’s own marital partners. The same is not true of one’s parents.
As with most questions in life, there are multiple answers. For me, if there was healing and compassion in caring for an abusive parent, it might fit. If it causes me continuing pain and resentment, I think I would have to let them go. We are all responsible for our own lives and if I am abusive to others than I am responsible for the consequences, including abandonment when I am in need. As a Pagan in recovery, I often have to ask myself if a particular course is healthy for ME. I cannot offer to anyone that which I do not have, including mental and spiritual health. I do not have an abusive parent but I have observed some of these relationships at the nursing home where I work. What a profound question you ask!
My best friend is also in a tough boat, actually a number of my friends in my age group are facing this:
Between my friend and her hubby, they have 7 aging parents from all the step-folks.
They are seriously worried that with the time, energy, house space and money involved with caring for 7 parents that they will not be able to afford to have children!
At what point are we responsible for our parents spouse? Certainty if they had a hand in raising us we should honor that by caring for them.
But what about step-parents who came into our lives when we are adults? Would it be fair to expect you child to care for your spouse, who had nothing to do with your life until your child was grown?
I myself have 3 parents who are getting on in the years. Never mind the fact that I couldn’t have my Dad and step-dad under the same roof! Never mind that my Mother was abusive to me and is still is.
I’m wondering how could I possibly afford to have 3 elderly parents to care for and still have my own family?
Something tells me my parents generation did not think of such things as they married for the 2nd, 3rd or 4th time.
I cared for my mother-in-law for a few years before her death. She horribly abused my wife during her childhood, but the ties and obligations were strong and my wife felt the need to care for her. Mother-in-law was still abusive, mostly verbally and emotionally, and after a year in our home, I put my foot down and insisted that our obligation to care for her could be met by finding an appropriate care facility for her. It was the best decision we could have made. She later died still angry at us for not putting our lives on hold to care for her. I’m ok with that. I do believe that there is some obligation to provide care for our elderly parents, however I strongly believe that care can be in the form of finding appropriate caregivers and in so doing maintain our own healthy lives. Excellent question for thought.
I absolutely agree with the last comment. I know not all pagans live by the Wiccan Rede, but I try to, and with that comes “not harming yourself”. Bringing someone into your home that you know will be harmful to you just isn’t worth it. Find a safe, clean home for them, help fill out the paperwork and send them some flowers once in a while.
The only way I’d feel the need to take care of someone like that is if they were truly sorry for how they had treated me.
I definitely wouldn’t put myself through having to take care of someone who never took care of me. I can relate to you. My dad… was/is a very terrible person, abusive to both me and my mother, and to my brother to a lesser extent. I remember in elementary school wishing I’d come home and find that he’d somehow died horribly. I was that desperate. Now I’m 16, and he left a while ago, and my time away from him has been very nice for me. I don’t hate him anymore. He was the one who taught me how to do laundry and dishes, and if nothing else he taught me a very valuable lesson: realize how important the people who you love are, because there are so many more who don’t give a shit. Might sound cynical I guess. My dad has gotten better though. He took me to the zoo once with his new then-girlfriend, and to his credit he did make an effort. My feelings toward my dad now are best described as apathy. I may forgive him someday for his trespasses against me and everyone I care about, and there have been many, but I don’t think I can EVER forget.
Very good and pithy question.
My mother was extremely abusive, and I am not currently in contact with her. I feel no obligation towards her. I do not hate, but I have let go and cut all ties. I really feel nothing for her. I really don’t care, one way or another, what happens to her. I find that sad, but she made it clear that she would always go out of her way to hurt me if she could, so life is better this way.
My father remarried after I reached adulthood. I care very deeply for my step-mom, and feel that family bond thing with her. They are both aging, and have heath concerns, and my sister is trying to milk them for all she can. It will be up to me to look after them at some point. Difficult, as I live on another continent!
My partner’s parents declared me to be evil incarnate and him to be lost (I didn’t bring him back to their church, go figure!). They pray that we’ll divorce (which is against their religion!). They have three other children, two of which are very there for them. We feel no obligation to them ;^>
So to sum up: I feel that if a parent is harmful towards you, then you need to keep yourself well more than your obligation to treat them well. ESPECIALLY if you have children. I feel that we owe our children the best and safest upbringing we can manage. If it makes you feel better to look after a parent that is facing the consequences of poor planning/parenting skills, then by all means do so as long as you do not risk your health and well-being, nor the health and well-being of any at your hearth. You need to be good with you.
Keep yourself well, strong and balanced. From there you will know what you can do, and what you can’t. Then you can choose what you want to do from your available options.
Hope your own answers become clear, and relatively easy to do. Keep up the great posts!